Friday, July 22, 2011

You are never alone with John Wayne.

You are never alone with Schizophrenia - the latter is not mine, it is a graffiti I spotted in a public toilet...I like to give credit where credit is due.

I suppose we all are more or less schizophrenic, I like to think am a little less but am not even sure myself...it all depends on what my other says, only then will I be able to confirm...

My other, is the John Wayne...I like to call him John Wayne because even though he's no cowboy as such, he sure does behave as one - tough and rough. My John Wayne does not wear a cowboy hat and does not frequent saloons and bars, at least not in public, he has no guns hanging from his hip, and he does not smoke Lucky Strike or Marlboro, well sometime he does...my John Wayne is eclectic, can be gender less, sometimes he wears a Hijab and sometimes grows a beard...and at other times, he's clean shaven...My John Wayne is a dirty motherfucker in disguise.

He talks with a slow, grave voice, as if coming from the heavens...imperious, serious, stern...
My John Wayne has it all figured out...the how much, how many, the whom and the where...it's clear cut in his mind. No debate, no argument, he holds the Truth. No, he grips the Truth with both hands because he likes to think he's so powerful, so together, so pious, so pure.

My John Wayne, whether dressed as a male or as a female, will always have the right quotations handy, s/he has rehearsed them in the dark...in the dark, after happy hour, or after some hard hanky panky from behind the veil...ablutions done and the sermons start...

My John Wayne is obsessed with Sex...anything sexual, or anything that can be interpreted in a sexual way...his interpretation of course...John Wayne fights what he loves most. He's an armed Don Quixote fighting his fantasies...or her fantasies...the more s/he fights, the more s/he resorts to outer signs of piety...

From your standard schizophrenia, you grow into something more complex, a full blown obsessive compulsive neurosis...a bright future to look forward to. I mean, why be a simple schizophrenic when you can be a complex co-morbid one ?

But John Wayne likes it complex...well, mine does.

Sex remains the core...but clothed in so many layers...let's say, well covered up. An asexual God, a God who has no sex, becomes all sexed up.

Don't frown now...is your God not obsessed with Sex ? Is the God in your mind not totally hooked on it ?

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but why play the Holy Virgin ? Why judge and why preach chastity when in your mind you do nothing but undress ?

Of course, this is all painted in a caricature, not.

Just as my John Wayne has so many layers of clothing, he also has so many layers of Truths...

Tonight, he has been benevolently tolerant, and has only allowed me one level of unveiling, of undressing...